To quote Steve Martin: ‘I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.’ Here’s my last minute take on the most sincerest, heartfelt day of them all – Valentine’s Day. But first, check out Lyndsay’s cool piece on the Best Fantasy/Sci-Fi Couples To Date (a.k.a. a proper article).
Darla and Angel
Mmm… Julie Benz… and David Boreanaz. The long, long, long time relationship of Buffy the Vampire Slayer/Angel’s Darla and Angel is a bloody one. Angel was once a beer swilling, whore mongering legend of a man, until one day he gets sucked off in an alleyway by Darla, a beautiful vampiress. The couple then spend a romantic century or two killing people around the world, until Angel’s soul is restored. Darla dies, when the chisel-nosed Buffy comes into the picture in the 1996 cult show. When Angel decides that having his own show is way cooler – and at the end of a much simpler first season – Darla is brought back to life. Not only does Angel perform what is technically necrophilia, but Darla gets pregnant – and once our baby human/vamp is born, she kills herself. If your folks can ignore the part about banging each other in a club toilet when they first met – Angel’s got to come up with one hell of a story.
Tubbs and Edward
Tubbs and Edward. Ah, a fine Gloucester couple if ever I saw one – what’s that? They’re not from Gloucester? This, ahem, brother and sister duo are residents of a freakish shop on top of a hill looking over the town of Royston Vasey. Not only was The League of Gentleman a master class in comedy, but also one of the darkest things commissioned by the BBC. Some of the more disturbing scenes involve Tubbs dancing naked around a hostage, a pig suckling on her breast, and mentioning she can’t have babies because her ‘insides are all wrong’. Fred and Rose West, take a leaf out of their book. The book made from human skin and bone.
Fry and Leela
Poor Fry – he won’t let up. Leela, the one eyed alien who likes karate is – admittedly – hot for someone with one eye, but her constant rejection of Philip J Fry is one we’ve all seen before (and been stupid enough to go through). Fry moves actual stars to say, ‘I love you, Leela’. He jumps in front of a killer bee to save her. He doesn’t quit pining. I stopped watching Futurama after the great hiatus, so whether they finally got it on is a mystery to me (until, at least, I get the time to start watching it again). One thing that rings true is the episode in which Fry becomes infected with parasites. The parasites make him a much smarter, wittier and athletic man. Leela falls for this version of Fry, until he loses the parasites and reverts back to plain old Fry. Says it all, really.
Charlie and The Waitress
Much like Fry and Leela, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia’s Charlie Kelly is hopelessly in love with The Waitress (that’s her name). Charlie is such a funny, colourful character that even a guy like me thinks ‘why isn’t she on that?’ The other half of me thinks, ‘let it go, Charlie’. The Waitress is very much a bitch (sometimes rightly so, other times not so much). This is the case when she refuses to sleep with him (for a couple hundred dollars) and instead ends up sleeping with not only Dennis (a narcissistic, shallow man who doesn’t even know her name) but Danny Devito too. Yep, Danny DeVito. The funny thing is, the character of The Waitress and Charlie are married in real life. Damn, I’m more of a loser than Charlie.
Stacy is the ‘psycho hose beast’ of Wayne’s World fame. It wouldn’t be the same without including her in this list – after all, who hasn’t ended up with a girl (or guy) and discovered that they’re bat-shit crazy? The famous ‘hey, Wayne’ is synonymous with the obsessive type who either hates you with a passion or won’t stop stalking you. Perhaps we’ve all been crazy about someone at some point – maybe even to obsessive levels, but when the girl you slept with Facebooks your sister to say ‘hey, sis-in-law’, you know you’d better run.
Many people will almost certainly be watching the new Die Hard film today, because they don’t care about all that Valentine’s stuff. Sure they do – otherwise they wouldn’t tell you, and would watch the movie on an Orange Wednesday. Valentine’s Day is a reminder that people in relationships have to spend money on each other, and those who aren’t don’t have to do shit. That said, I sincerely hope people have a lovely day this year. Here’s a heart warming video.