Features, Features, Film and TV, Games, Miscellaneous

Five Exceptions to Rule 34

Rule 34. Those ventured in internet exploring will be well versed in the rule and undoubtedly have mental scars from its effects. For those that stay away from the darker corners of the web, choosing instead to use its browsing capabilities for looking at pictures of small puppies, Rule 34 is as simple as it is disturbing: if it exists, there is porn of it. Think of your favourite childhood cartoon. Think of the nostalgia, how warm and fuzzy you feel remember a time of innocence and youth. Now imagine the two main characters of that show having sex and someone, somewhere, jacking off to it. The internet is a horrible place.

In one last attempt to see if humanity does still have any last ounce of humility, join me on an epic quest to find the last remaining shreds of pop culture that haven’t fallen foul to the rotten rule. Lock your rooms and open up your incognito windows as this journey won’t be kind on internet histories.

Gorgonites from Small Soldiers (minus Archer)

As we find our first exception, take note that this search is a lot harder than you’d first imagine. I mean, a LOT. Having taken many haymakers right to the childhood, it quickly became obvious that thinking outside the box was going to be the necessary path here.

In the strictest of senses, Small Soldiers isn’t even exempt from the rule. The 90′s film from Gremlins director Joe Dante saw two factions of toys, the Gorgonites and the Commando Elite, come alive and fight each other plastic to plastic. As the battle rages on the Commando Elite build an army of scantily-clad Gwendy dolls, who capture and tie up Kirsten Dunce in some sort of sadomasochist orgy. Think that doesn’t count as rule 34? Well youtube comments such as “For some reason, this part of the movie is when it gets really good” and “did anyone else get turned on by this scene?” prove otherwise.

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No, our real deifiers of Rule 34 here are the plucky Gorgonites, cowardly by nature and whose primary focus is to hide from the Commando Elite. Unfortunately though even they aren’t completely exempt, as some budding artists have ruined my memories of Gorgonite leader Archer forever. The rest of the crew, thankfully, remain untouched.

The Elephant Man

Joseph Merrick was a 19th century Englishman who will be forever immortalised by his deformations which gained him the nickname ‘The Elephant Man’ and that inspired David Lynches’ 1980 film of the same name. Merrick’s look meant he earned his trade as a freak show performer, where people across the country would come to stay at his bulbous deformations. Thankfully it seems, no one wants to stare at them when he’s having sex.

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That’s not to say there isn’t weird porn out there; on the contrary Joseph Merrick may be somewhat vanilla compared to some of the things floating around the internet’s tubes. It seems though, that poor old Merrick will go unloved even in this age of weird perversion.

The Kersal Massive

Back when Youtube was still in its infancy, three budding street artists took to the net and almost singlehandedly transformed the world of online hip-hop forever. The ‘Kersal Massive’, a hugely influential force in the music scene comprised of MC Mac, Little Fuckin’ Kev and of course not forgetting their boy Ginger Joe, were a leading force in driving Youtube into the forefront of our everyday lives with their 40 second rap about using bus day riders.

With so much street swag, one can only imagine how many sex orgies they are having in the back seat of their 05 V6 Clio Twin Turbo with them backseat hos but thankfully no footage has surfaced on the internet. Yet.

Barry Steakfries

In a world where almost any character, icon or childhood hero has been re-imagined with a massive penis, Barry Steakfries stands proud as one of the few defenders of all things safe for work. Halfbrick Studio’s very own Mario or Sonic, Barry stars in many of their games and is equally adept at stealing jetpacks as he is fighting off zombies. What isn’t on his CV, however, is anything sexual and that is something we can be thankful for.

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Steakfrie’s saving grace may well be his relative youth, having only emerged in the recent mobile gaming boom and not yet starred in too many games. It can only be assumed that as Barry and his bulging biceps star in more and more games he will fall foul to Rule 34, so let’s just enjoy his innocence whilst it lasts.

FIFA Ultimate Team

Since its initial release as a paid DLC a few years ago in FIFA 09, EA have struck a gold mine with Ultimate Team. Now part of the disc, the mode is to this generation as Pokemon cards were to the 90s, draining parents and their credit cards for some cards that can be played with and traded.

FIFA-13-Ultimate-Team-Web-App-Exploit-Uncovered

I’m sure a common response to seeing this inclusion would be one of scepticism; footballers and sex scandals go together like Lionel Messi and goals. I’m not however looking for a Rule 34 exception to footballers. I’m talking about the actual playing cards themselves. No one has of yet turned the functional-yet-quite bland cards into something all together more sexy. That may be because, despite there being a fetish for anything and everything, trading cards and virtual markets are perhaps just a bit too dull for even the most perverse of minds.

So there you have it. I’ve ventured across the many corners of the internet and just about made it through still sane. Above is a list that can almost certainly be summed up by the phrase ‘clutching at straws’ but it goes to prove if you search hard enough there ARE exceptions to the rule.  Although, as per the rule, someone will almost certainly take it upon themselves and crudely draw a penis onto each thing from the list, rendering them useless.

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Callum

When not ambling his way through a journalism course, Callum likes to play and write about games. Despite having a huge back-log of titles that need completing you'll normally find him playing FIFA Ultimate Team, swearing at the referee every time a decision goes against him.