Chief Commissioner of the London Metropolitan Police, Angus McFist has declared war on internet trolls. Although this phenomenon has been around for as long as dial up was first introduced to an unsuspecting public, it was only recently that Commissioner McFist had started using internet forums.
‘My new position as Chief Commissioner is far more demanding than my previous role. Before, I got to look at pictures of dead bodies. Now I sit at a desk bored out of my fucking skull.’
It was during one of these prolonged sessions that Commissioner McFist first discovered POWN, or Popular Online Website Networking. When scrolling to the bottom of an article, he noticed that the atmosphere had become very sour.
‘I was shocked at the abuse hurled at others,’ said the commissioner. ‘Even when I chased down the infamous drug baron, Johnny 5 Fingers, I didn’t hear such vulgarity.’
But it was only when McFist was attacked directly by a user named YourMum2000, that he decided to take action.
‘He hurled the usual abuse at me first. And then claimed “I wasn’t even a proper gamer”. What’s upsetting is that I don’t think that’s even an insult. I mean – no, I’m not a gamer. I have a very active sex life outside of work.’
Experts pointed out that any action taken against so-called ‘internet trolls’ may in fact be illegal, as most are between the ages of 12 to 15.
‘So,’ said McFist. ‘I can do what I want. R-tard.’