Features, Games, Miscellaneous

PixelBedlam Slash Fiction Theatre Vol.1 – A Minecraft Love Story (NSFW)

*WARNING THE FOLLOWING CONTAINS EXPLICIT LANGUAGE AND SCENES. IT WILL ALSO MAKE YOU JUDGE ALL NERDS AND GEEKS EQUALLY, DON’T. DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE A BIG GIRLS BLOUSE OR AT WORK*

Here at PixelBedlam we like to look at all sides of geek and nerd culture. Some of you may be aware of the nerd/geek hierarchy  Sci-Fi writers look down on gamers, who look down on roleplayers who look down on uber-trekkies who look down on furries and so on and so on.

There are many versions of this, however near the bottom of any interpretation of this hierarchy you will find Fan Fiction Writers, below them are the Erotic Fan Fiction Writers; AKA Slash Fiction Writers. Slash Fiction is basically amateur written stories where characters from a TV show, film or book hook up, in gross ways normally. Video Game Slash Fiction is a special kind of weird; this is something I am going to analyse intermittently on this site. I did not write the story and I do not edit it; this is written with the same atrocious spelling and content as the author intended.

Today’s tale comes from TimmySteve who has written:

 

STEVE AND THE CREEPER

(Available in full here: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7232831/1/Steve-and-the-Creeper)

 

The clanging of Steve’s pickaxe rang out in the cavern, the sound carrying along the winding, torch-lit caverns he’d already visited, and even down into the darkness below.

The writer in me wants to point out here that he uses the word “cavern” twice. The problem is I have read this whole piece, I know where it’s going, this isn’t the worst.

This expedition had been long and exhausting. Steve had been carefully navigating the darkness for days, stopping periodically to laboriously carve out any useful ores he spotted. He was no stranger to manual labor, however; his strong, sweaty muscles tensed under his thin shirt with every movement, but he had been working all day. Like the steel armored pants he wore, he was tough and resilient, but inside there was something missing.

So if I have read this section right then his armored (sic*) pants are tough and resilient, but missing something inside. At this stage the only things he could be missing inside of trousers are his legs, or his penis. And with what’s coming up it doesn’t appear to be either of those. I’m just going to assume he meant leg hair because he hates chaffing and hey, let’s be honest here, who doesn’t like the feel of bare leg skin on cold metal leg armour.

Just as Steve was gathering up his ore into his backpack, he heard footsteps coming from behind him. Normally Steve was quick to draw his blade on any creatures in his mines, but the this moment was different.

The Creeper emerged shyly from around a corner, its dark, empty eyes fixed on him.

Not to question TimmySteve’s writing here but in the game when I’ve seen a creeper emerge from round a corner it has never been shy, and if it appears to be shy this is normally an A.I. Issue where the creeper is actually stuck on the corner of a wall. Also I don’t accept that “empty eyes” can fix on someone. But perhaps I’m being petty, let’s see where TimmySteve is going with this.

Where most creepers would attack, however, this creeper was simply watching him, examining his ruddy, dark skin under the quivering light of a torch. Steve approached the coy creature hesitantly, and as they gazed into each others eyes, a strong bond took hold of them.

Well we’ve already established that the creepers eyes were empty so I don’t buy that the look was to do with bonding, I would stare if I saw a creature without eyes, it’s weird. To return to the story; we’re witnessing a creeper fall in love with Steve, a man who has armour on his legs, but only has a thin shirt on his top half. This doesn’t seem practical in terms of protection, then again if he seduces every creeper he sees there isn’t much requirement of protection, or is there? (*ahem).

Steve seized the creeper with his strong, coal-smudged hands and traced the wide, sullen face before him. Normally creepers appeared to be angry or frightened, but this creeper was simply lonely. The Creeper was just as lonely as a certain mining man down in unfamiliar caverns by himself. These two ailing creatures were desperate for a companion, and they gave in to their desires with reckless abandon.

Yeah, this is happening.

Man and beast swiftly found themselves in the throes of passionate lovemaking. With the force of a man who lifts stone for a living and eats nothing but red meat, Steve pounded the creeper with all his might, the startled green monster letting out hisses of pleasure and excitement. Steve’s short beard chafed the back of the creeper’s head as they embraced each other in the cave. The creeper was smaller and more delicate, but his short legs gyrated in tune with Steve’s hips with surprising force.

Today I have learnt that in the Minecraft universe there is no such thing as cuboid foreplay. I do like the fact that TimmySteve has put in a joke about eating nothing but red meat in this section, I was worried the piece was going to be dry. His joke is factually incorrect though because you have the option of feeding “Steve” your main character in Minecraft pork, fish, bread, cake or many other things so it is unlikely that a player would role play Steve as just a carnivore.

All joking aside this is clearly where the story becomes unsettling. TimmySteve has decided that it is in fact possible to have sex, correction, make passionate love with a creeper. But then if you pay close attention to the words this has deeper and more worrying connotations, Steve sees it as lovemaking, but the creeper is “startled”, it goes on to explain about noises of pleasure and excitement but I get hung up on the word “startled”. The best thing to do is think of a creeper as an animal, this is what most people do when playing the game, as such you can tell when an animal is startled, that’s an obvious non vocal reaction. Lonely however is not easy to spot in an animal without a voice, and passionate and bonded are equally questionable terms to use when interacting with one of God’s creatures (Notch’s creatures).

Soon the creeper was beginning to swell with the oncoming explosion.

This one sentence sums up the entire piece to me, on one hand I’m repulsed and I’m judging TimmySteve, but at the same time I’m actually impressed, this is a clever reference, if a little crudely presented.

Steve squealed like a pig being ridden through molten lava and began pummeling the creeper with his mighty fists in a fit of ecstasy. Heedlessly, he punched the creeper again and again, the confused creature’s weak mewling was inaudible with the man grunting and groaning, as if in pain. Just as the creeper reached his breaking point and swelled almost to twice its size, Steve dealt him a final blow and killed the creeper.

There was no explosion, just a puff of smoke as Steve landed on the hard stone where his lover had just been. The realization of what he’d done slowly dawned on him as he sat on his firm, bare backside and sifted through the small pile of gunpowder before him.

He had killed another lonely creature, the only other he’d met just as himself. He had become a monster; before he had killed in self-defense, but this was a different, more horrible act altogether.

I wanted to allow you dear reader the opportunity to read that section uninterrupted because I imagine you currently have the same face as I did when I first read it, slightly open mouth and concerned raised eyebrows mixed with confusion. So to summarise what has actually happened so far: Steve was mining, a creeper appeared, Steve grabbed and then forced himself on the creeper, when the creeper didn’t resist Steve donkey punched it to death.

For a long time he sat on the floor naked, his steel armor tossed about carelessly, his backpack almost forgotten against the wall. He waited for the creeper to return, or for some sign that might ease his terrible guilt, but nothing happened. Soon the cold draft from deeper in the cave began to chill him, making his square nipples stand erect, and he mustered up the strength to retrieve his belongings and leave for the surface.

Square nipples means that TimmySteve, all is forgiven. You have gone from disturbing example of what bad parenting leads to, to now being a genius writer up there with the wit, finesse, and dalliances in the more “interesting” sexual acts, of Oscar Wilde.

When he finally reached the surface, the dawn was just breaking he stood by the cave entrance to listen to a symphony of zombie moans as they were consumed in flames on the surrounding hills. Steve blocked off the entrance to the cave system permanently, and he left a single wooden sign there to record the memory of his only and most fleeting relationship.

Gone too soon,

my only friend

my one desire

my biggest regret

And there we have it, TimmySteve has brought up many emotions, as well as vomit, all with a Minecraft Slash Fiction. I must commend TimmySteve, from a distance. He saw a cuboid game where the only thing you can do is build stuff and somehow turn that into a completely un-erotic tale of the ages. I will stand by the final paragraph, apart from the fear Steve really “liked” the sounds of the zombies burning, I actually think that is a poignant moment in the tale and a well written piece showing love and regret, it’s a shame that it was regret for smacking a walking cactus in the back of the head whilst making the beast with two backs.

(All the writing from the story belongs to TimmySteve on www.fanfiction.net however I doubt he owns the rights to Minecraft, Ask www.Twitter.com/Notch if you’re not sure.)

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Ruaidhri

Big-Boss of PixelBedlam.co.uk
Ruaidhri has been writing for a number of sites over the past few years, spewing his vitriol and love in equal measures on all topics from Video Games to Film and Board Games to Geek Culture. He started PixelBedlam in September of 2012. Follow him on Twitter!
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  • Timmysteve

    Hey, this is Timmysteve. I’m the abominable human to blame for this horrible, horrible piece of fiction.
    I wish I’d happened on your fine review earlier, (say, two years earlier),
    but I’d like to commend you for sifting through the awful archives of amateur erotica in the pursuit of comedy. Your article gave me a good laugh and the images accompanying the review are top notch. (Notch, get it? Heh.)

    This whole story is satire, but unfortunately with the nature of the fanfiction being what it is, it comes off as an actual endeavor aimed at creating something to arouse sweat-streaked internet dwellers. Which, regardless of my intent, it probably does serve that function. Regrettably.

    One day I decided I wanted to laugh at a story of this nature, so I searched FanFiction.net, and to my dismay there was no crude Minecraft smut. So it fell to me to write it. And after I wrote it, I sat back and cackled through one half-hearted revision before throwing it into the unsuspecting world. And every time another user favorites the story on FanFiction.net, I have a another hearty laugh.

    I always wondered about the motives and thought processes behind works like this one, that are just unapologetically dreadful, and especially hilarious because of their sincerity. With this one, though, it was just done for laughs.