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Published January 31, 2013

Einstein once said, ‘It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has  exceeded our humanity.’  If he meant sitting in the pub reading the latest Facebook status, he was spot on.  If he meant nuclear fallout, meh… give it time.  After the car, washing machine and Sybian, technology hasn’t really helped us as a species.  Do we care?  If you click ‘like’, sure you do.  Here’s some cool shit that isn’t real and should be…

Portal gun, Portal 1 and 2

The possibilites of the Portal gun are endless – shoot a blue hole at one object, shoot an orange hole at another object, walk through the blue hole and come out the orange one.  So… put one portal on a septic tank, the other above your boss’s desk.  Put a portal behind the sofa, the other next to the fridge.  One next to your bed, the other by the office.  One on Mars, the other…



Slime Blowers, Ghostbusters 2

No, it’s not the title of a porn flick (at least, I don’t think it is) – the Slime Blowers are those big super soakers the ghostbusters used in the second movie.  You know, the ones that fire pink slime inside the Statue of Liberty and make it dance to Jackie Wilson.  The only downside is that you need ‘mood slime’, a psycho-reactive substance that affects people’s emotions and animates objects.  Like acid.  Spray Dan Ackroyd with this gunk and he’ll tell you he loves you.  What more could you want in life?

Neuraliser, Men in Black

Everyone remembers the iconic silver device that flashes a red, mind erasing light.  Don’t they?  All I remember is Tommy Lee Jones standing in front of me, with my trousers around my ankles.  You could do some dark shit with this thing – don’t give it to rapists, thieves or medical students.  Alzheimer’s patients are okay.  You could slap someone you hate again and again; ask people for sex until you get lucky; pretend to be Guy Pearce: tattoo clues on your body, then erase the last year of your life.  Altering your brain’s fragile, chemical state is fun.

matt stone

Orgasmorator, Orgazmo

What could be better than Trey Parker firing a ray-gun at you that makes you come?  I don’t wanna sound like a queer or nothin’, but that would be sweet.  Public situations would be the most appropriate, of course.  Watch the impatient middle aged mum cream herself as she’s arguing with some poor clerk on checkout.  Give a homeless guy an orgasm instead of some loose change.  Make that wait at the bus stop a bit more interesting, as you fire it at the hot woman you never talk to.  Use it on yourself a couple dozen times.


Flux Capacitor, Back to the Future

Let’s face it, DeLorean’s are gay.  Make sure Christopher Lloyd bangs his head and invents a Flux Capacitor.  There.  Travel back in time and make that relationship work for you; tell the bullies you’ll kick the crap out of them if they don’t leave you alone; tell yourself to be an asshole from a young age and you’ll get all the girls; stop yourself from doing whatever terrible thing you did as a kid – no more psychological disorder.  Go forward in time – see that everything’s the same.  Travel back in time.  Make sure your parents never have sex.

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