If games emulated real life, you wouldn’t be having a good time. In fact, you’ll find them in the bargain bin at PC World. If you could play the Red Dwarf game ‘Better Than Life’ though, well that would just be awesome. Here’s what happens when physical reality and virtual reality merge.
– Quick time events
There’s nothing annoying about spilling your drink, as a context-sensitive button appears in a video sequence. There’s also nothing funny about Chris Redfield punching a boulder in Resident Evil 5, as you repeatedly mash the ‘X’ button. So wouldn’t it be great to repeatedly tap ‘X’ whilst sitting on the toilet? Yes, yes it would. Doing what? Who knows.
I’m sure many thousands (if not millions) of lives could have been saved in conflicts, if soldiers had merely hidden behind an obstacle and waited for their blown off heads to heal. Don’t like this Modern Healthcare healing system? Try kicking in a urinal and drinking the water.
You’re being chased by several police cars after a drug deal goes sour. The police helicopter is watching the whole thing as police cars smash into walls and other vehicles… if this was GTA: China Town Wars, your wanted level would have gone by now. Good job.
We’ve all got goals in life. For some, this revolves around a career; for most, it’s sex. Imagine an educational restructure, as degrees are replaced by Banjo Kazooie Jiggies. You even get the little hillbilly ditty as you hold the jigsaw-piece high above your mortar board. Guh-huh!
– Point and Click
The bus arrives at the Stop – you’ve got no money, but you have got several obscure items, including a rubber chicken and a pot. The bus driver will kindly wait for you, while you see which items work on him… oh, combine the rubber chicken with the pot. Of course! The bus driver will use this for his own personal use, and allow you entry onto the bus. Well done, LucasArts character of the early 90’s.
Thursday night’s UFC night – put your copy of Zoo down and drink your Strongbow: shit’s going down! Makes betting a bit pointless though, as the bar across each fighter’s head turns from yellow to red. What’s this?! The winner has used a Fatality on his opponent. I’ve been trying to do that for ages!
– Business speak
Going forward is the new low hanging fruit. Didn’t understand a word of that meeting the first time round? Don’t worry, once you complete the game you can go to the same meeting, and you will understand what the Hylian text… I mean, the business jargon meant. Was it insightful? It informed me of core competencies.
– Career guidance
A recent report on graduates shows that theoretical physicists have to have basic combat training, as they’ll be shooting US military (and interdimensional crabs/roast chickens) in their new job at an underground research facility. It’s a lot easier than understanding the Higgs Boson. They’ll also get a second job, which is over hyped and not as good.
– Life as a Nintendo DS game
Don’t worry, you haven’t had a Ketamine induced out-of-body experience – you’re actually living in a Nintendo DS game. That’s a bird’s eye view of you in the top screen, scratching your arse. That’s a close-up of your arse in the lower screen as you scratch it with the stylus. Clever.
– The Sims
We are all, in fact, being played by giant people in another dimension (a predominantly female demographic – so goddesses, essentially). Ralalalalib bubaya. That’s ‘Simlish’, if you didn’t know. It means…
MS PAINT JOB: MAX
CONCEPT: SOME DUDE’S LINK TO THE GOLDENEYE PARODY VIDEO
LEGAL ACTION TAKEN AGAINST POTENTIALLY COPYRIGHTED IMAGES: THE MAN